30 Aug Immense ages

You have a fear:
To finish.
You don't see that you finish every day.
That you die in love.
In sadness.
In doubt.
In desire.
That you renew every day.
In love.
In sadness.
In doubt.
In desire.
That you are always someone else.
That you are always the same.
That you will die for immense ages.
Until you're not afraid to die.

And then you will be eternal.

Cecília Meireles (brazilian poet)


- How did you experience all this in just 30 years?
Teacher Fides asked me at the launch of my book, before the autograph session started.
 At that moment, my OCD, my bipolar, my mother who was almost gone from this world in 5 minutes
, all the conflicts, all the experiences in travel flashed through my mind. 
I remembered Dad's speech at my older brother's graduation:
-I used to look at myself in my youth and thought: will I be here?
Today, I look at myself and ask myself: will I arrive?
And this fear of aging stays in the mouth, it's acid like in Drummond's poem:
"From the eternal dream is this acrid taste
in the mouth or in the mind, I don't know, maybe in the air.”
 
It's just like a sour wine that you drink, with tails* lasting for hours, lasting until the next laugh.
I have huge ages recorded in my memory too. My childhood is on tape, my teens on CD-ROM, my 20s on blu-ray 
and my 30s are streaming from me, they store everything.
I have immense ages in experiences, sensations, discoveries, resignifications, immense in feeling 
to the maximum volume deafening my soul.
Like our parents? No, my trajectory was different, worse on the one hand, better on the other,
 but designed for this incarnation, this mold of mine.
I'm always the same, even wake up shabby pajamas, traditional latte, cuddles at Tobby. 
I'm always the other one, planning a thousand projects, other writings, other outings with the dear ones.Immense ages not by numbers, but that will make me laugh, cry, rethink, change. 
And then what Epicurus said will make sense “When we are alive, it is death that is not present; on the contrary, when death is present, we are the ones who are not”.
This will to live will warm me and others.
This flame of liveliness is where I will be eternal, because it was made not to finish.

*Unit for measuring the duration of persistence of a wine's aromas, that is, their permanence in the mouth. 1 "Caudalie" = 1 second.