12 May Small letter to men 2

England, in the eighties.Time of Margaret Thatcher, The Cure, The Smiths, Joy Division, Falklands war,Polaroid, walkman.No social media, time where people still wrote letters.And i read the letter that  my dad proposed to my mom in 1984 .I couldn´t even believe that this quiet man, avid fan of classic music could be so romantic.So that was a shock when i heard him saying :

-No, women won’t go!

I got scared and thought that a was selfish act. My father went fishing with his friends and didn’t want my mother to go.Or any other women. But with time I understood that impressing  get them tired.We all need a time for ourselves.

We all need time to wear that dirty pijamas, eat some junk food alone.

I feel relieved to be single sometimes. Don’t worry about what the other person is thinking or expecting me to do.

Yeah…win over  takes time, energy.It’s effort, it’s strategy.

I was 10 years old and I remember that I missed a gol at the gol door at high school. It was almost mid-day, intense heat and I was very nervous I missed the gol right at the door.

That was my love life. I had few excellent faces, golden chances and lost them in the most unbelievable way. And the others, well, were just others.

If my heart were a stand-up comediant  It  would tell the most unbelievable stories of lost chances. I think God looked at me and told my guardian angel to be more careful.

But nowadays i feels free, i can laugh about it, joke about all of that.And laughing is a powerful therapy tool.Im better than ever.

Today my mantra is: If it doesn’t useful to be your friend, it will never be your boyfriend. A male partner has to be a friend, lover and “father”.(“father” because we need support and wise advises sometimes …)

And what hurts me the most is this. The innocence that was spent. The energy was  spent on those who have never deserved me.

As I said in the poem I quoted in my book 2: innocence is madness.

Some guys  never deserved me. It was the damn distorted pink lenses. It was the obsession with wanting my mother’s life, that a guy waited for me for 1 year like my father waited for my mother in England. It was the non-acceptance of things as they are. The loss of the taste of my life.

All know is that we girls we can forgive an honest no, but we cannot forgive being disrespected or lies.

Now I ask you: what´s your  life would taste?